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Wednesday, March 29, 2006

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Jacqueline Butler

a lot not alot

Sushil Dawka

Hello Kristin: two small typos
Fourth paragraph: back of 'the' fridge
Second paragraph: was away 'a lot' (two words)

Kristin Espinasse

Thank you Jacqueline and Sushil!

Sandy Maberly

Hey, it looks great. The only comment I have is about: "It's good, isn't it?" she'd say, of the stuffed chou. "You love it! It is delicious!"

I'm not sure what your intention was with these comments. Was she saying it in future tense, as in "you will love it"... "it is delicious"..... perhaps she was "telling" you to love it ,whether you did or not :-)

Sounded yummy though. I might have to stuff some cabbage rolls myself, sometime soon!

Kristin Espinasse

Sandy, thanks for asking about those statements. I should (but wont have the time) go on about Martine, who was such a confident yet unpretentious person. Though it may seem pretentious to say it is good, isnt it? You like it, dont you? for Martine, these were more insights into her enthusiasm for life. So, yes, these exclamations were made in the present, sort of like Its a good life, isnt it?!

Bonny

In the description of Martine (in the sixth paragraph), I wouldn't put a comma between "make-up" and "heavy."

It's a wonderful character profile!

mhwebb

Yes, I, too, wondered about "make-up, heavy, her figure...". What was "heavy"? Her make-up or her figure?

Allen Laskin

...glove compartment, from which she produced...

Olga Brown

Hi Kristin,
I'd like to offer some little changes.
In the second sentence of paragraph 3 I think "She brought strawberries for the children.." would sound better.
Like other your readers, I also have doubts about the description of your friend. Id write it like this"... her hair was bleached light, her make-up heavy,and figure,which she decorated with pride, was something in between." Anyway, it needs some polish.
In the last paragraph I'd change "past me' to "passing me".
The main thing is, that, in my opinion, the story needs one final sentence to finish it. For example, what she started to read from those papers.

Have a great day,
Olga.

Julie F in St. Louis, MO

In the sentence "when personal doubts had begun to consume me" can you add something to make a more definitive picture of what doubts you had. Why did you have doubts about being a wife and mother? Doubts about your ability to handle it all while JM traveled for work? Doubts about this foreign life you chose?

And a content-related question: how did you meet Martine? Can you say it in one or two sentences?

Bruce T. Paddock

Hey, Kristin –

Consider putting “I know you’re in there. Come out, come out!” in italics or inside quotes.

I’m not clear on why knowing J-M was away a lot would prompt her to close the shutters, but I guess it doesn’t really matter.

Consider a comma after the introductory “At the time.”

I kind of assumed Martine was saying, “It’s good” and “You love it” while you were eating the cabbage, so the tense makes sense.

Consider a comma after the introductory “While I ate.”

“Reorganize” is not hyphenated.

Does tapenade count as a condiment?

Most style books call for spelling out the numbers from one to nine, and therefore, “five-foot frame,” but it’s a style choice, not a rule.

I’m guessing her tooth wasn’t bent in front, but that one of her front teeth was bent. The way to say that would be:
“Her teeth, one in front slightly and charmingly bent over the other, were always …”

You need a comma after “were always showing,” because what follows “because” is a complete sentence.

Bruce T. Paddock

As it’s written now, you’re saying her hair was Italian and had a dark complexion. I’d suggest:
She was Italian with a dark complexion, her hair bleached…

If you don’t do that, note that there’s an extra space between “was” and “bleached.”

“Makeup,” in the sense that you’re using here, is not hyphenated.

You should probably drop the comma between “makeup” and “heavy.” It’s not required, and in this sentence it’s confusing.

Consider setting off “which she decorated with pride” with em dashes rather than commas. Eliminating the comma after “makeup” will help make the structure of the sentence clearer, but you may want to go further by replacing these two as well.

If you put “Come out, come out!” in the first paragraph in italics, you should do it here as well. If you put “Come out, come out!” in the first paragraph inside quotes, you probably shouldn’t do it here. If you did nothing to “Come out, come out!” in the first paragraph, you should do nothing to it here as well.

Given that you were speaking after you got over the bridge, you probably said, “How did you know you weren’t going to hit that rail?” The next sentence can still be in the present tense (“How can you…”), which preserves the universality of the question and her response.

You need a double space between the paragraph with your dialogue (“How do you know….”) and the one with Martine’s (“Ce n’est rien….”).

Oh. Maybe you were still on the bridge when you were speaking. When you said you had recovered from the fright, I assumed that meant the car was no longer edging along the guard rail.

“…reached past me to the glove compartment, where she produced…” is not correct. “…reached past me to the glove compartment, from which she produced…” is correct, but sounds kinda hoity-toity. “…pulled the car over, reached past me to the glove compartment, and produced….” would work.

Judi Miller

I probably wouldn't put a period after 'shrieked'
-- "......that I shrieked. "Martine!" Love this story!

Jackie Smith

Well written! This story makes me love Martine without even having to meet her! What a blessing she must have been to you!

Kristin Espinasse


A little nervous here, as I have added some information to the third-to-last paragraph. Please let me know if this reads smoothly and if the punctuation is okay. Thanks for everything!


On Mon, Nov 21, 2011 at 4:29 PM, Kristin Espinasse kristin.espinasse@gmail.com wrote:


Sandy, thanks for asking about those statements. I should (but wont have the time) go on about Martine, who was such a confident yet unpretentious person. Though it may seem pretentious to say it is good, isnt it? You like it, dont you? for Martine, these were more insights into her enthusiasm for life. So, yes, these exclamations were made in the present, sort of like Its a good life, isnt it?!

Kristin Espinasse

Update: I have also added a sentence to paragraph 2 (about locking up the shutters). I hope this adds to the story, or at least clarifies why Martine had stopped by. If anyone is reading, please let me know.
Thanks!


On Mon, Nov 21, 2011 at 4:29 PM, Kristin Espinasse kristin.espinasse@gmail.com wrote:


Sandy, thanks for asking about those statements. I should (but wont have the time) go on about Martine, who was such a confident yet unpretentious person. Though it may seem pretentious to say it is good, isnt it? You like it, dont you? for Martine, these were more insights into her enthusiasm for life. So, yes, these exclamations were made in the present, sort of like Its a good life, isnt it?!

Bruce T. Paddock

Both additions work very well.

The comma after "for the night" makes it seem as though the villagers "needed a reminder." Dropping the comma will make it clearer that the villagers "lock up their windows."

The new third-to-last paragraph implies that you were clutching the metaphorical guardrail for support or protection, which is probably what you meant. But given that Martine was ignoring, not holding onto, the real guardrail, I just wanted to check.

Olga Brown

Kristin,
Now it flows much smoother.
As the matter of a fact, first I wanted to offer you a similar variant: "Italian, with a dark complexion, she had her hair bleached light,..." So, whatever sounds better for you...
In the added paragraph I am not sure if it should be "let go of.." or "let go off". You can check.
In general, the story is very dynamic, runs smooth and I like it.
Amicalement,
Olga.

P.S. Hope, this comment will come through.

Nigel

Another great story. Just two minor things: in the vocab, I suggest writing "sois confiant(e)" to emphasise the need to agree, and as a tiny point, isn't there more than one farmer at the market? (i.e. farmers')

Looks good to go otherwise!

Eileen deCamp

Hi Kristin,
I am no help at all because I am enjoying reading the stories and I don't notice any of the mistakes other people are seeing! Sorry!

Kristin Espinasse

Many thanks, Nigel, for these excellent edits! 

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